Peter Mandelson’s Astrological Spin Doctoring at its finest. Your stars apparently explained.
January 20 – February 18
The recent solar eclipse in the most dynamic area of your chart makes this the sort of day when you can turn your hand to anything and make a success of it. But you must be selective. Being able to do anything does not mean you should do everything. Kick someone in the gonads or something, live a little. Lucky social designation – Proletariat.
February 19 – March 20
The time has come to accept that a loved one’s point of view is not going to change and you must find ways to live with it. Start by accepting that different people have different personalities and that there is no “right” or “wrong” attached to it. Drink heavily. Avoid Vegans.
March 21 – April 19
You really don’t care if other people agree with what you believe, the only thing that matters to you is that you know you are right. The recent eclipse in the mind area of your chart will do wonders for your self-belief – not that it’s ever that low you arrogant bastard. Lucky condiment – HP Fruity Sauce.
April 20 – May 20
If someone stops you from following your chosen course today you will have to accept they have the right to do so. Find a new way to reach your goal. The recent bloody solar eclipse in the money area of your chart suggests the effort will be worth it, although you won’t notice you Bull headed Muppet. Avoid direct marketing.
May 21 – June 20
Predicting the recent sodding solar eclipse in your sign will bring massive changes in its wake and your first priority must be to stay focused so you are ready to make the most of them. Be logical in your outlook at all times – only losers get emotional, the bloody pant pissing leftard Snowflake nonces. Lucky ethos – Totalitarianism.
June 21 – July 22
You must not let your fears get the better of you today. Because you have such a strong and vivid imagination that won’t be easy but you have the power to redirect your thoughts in more positive directions – so use it. Lucky Antidepressant – Fluoxitine.
July 23 – August 22
The more someone bombards you with facts and figures to support their point of view the more certain you can be that their point of view is way off the mark. The truth is right there in front of you – open your eyes and recognize what it is, who needs bloody science and mathematics anyway. Avoid the Celtic nations and Dairy products.
August 23 – September 22
Because there is so much upheaval taking place at the moment you may think you have done something wrong, but that isn’t the case. That f*ing eclipse will in some way make it clear that you are being far too negative in your thinking. Don’t think so much. Intact start chinning strangers who ‘look edgy’. Lucky fish – Sea Bream.
October 23 – November 21
November 22 – December 21
You seem to be in one of those typically Sagittarian moods when you can’t see the point in making much of an effort. However, your laid-back attitude does not mean you can just abandon your responsibilities to loved ones and others who rely on you. You feckless dolt. Lucky car Fiat Punto.
December 22 – January 19
If there is something that needs to be said you must not hold back – give it everything you’ve got and don’t worry about the consequences. If what you say is true, and well-intentioned, others will thank you for it further down the line. Although it’s also likely they will think you are an Arse. Avoid Greeks bearing gifts and Zoroastrianism.
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