A daily insight into the mind of the former Daily Telegraph columnist and comedy act….
Monday 19th Apr –
“They’re Football Crazy, they’re Football Mad!!!” Some marvellous Captains of Capitalism attempted to extract more profit from their £billion assets by leaving the governance and competition of Europe. Just like Brexit really, except this time the Plebs didn’t want ‘Leave’ and they really cared because it’s football. So I made a heartfelt re-moaner speech which ensured Rupert Murdoch retained all the TV cash. Everybody loved it.
Tuesday 20th Apr –
I actually admitted to porking Jennifer Wotsername with honesty and integrity, no-one noticed. Chauvin got banged up. Those Marxist BLM types will be unbearable. More Football twaddle on all media outlets even in the Trot rag ‘The Word’! Must remember to mention Football more often, I could commit murder in broad daylight at this rate.
Wednesday 21st Apr –
PMQ’s today. Sir Queef Stammerer can’t pull skin off a rice pudding. I just pulled faces whilst he was talking, shouted “Captain Hindsight” and made out that fudging tax for James Dyson was ‘pragmatism and business acumen’ not cronyism. The same Billionaires who threatened to wreck Football came to it’s rescue by not doing something or other and their shares went up; Anyway the problem went away and I was positively involved, apparently.
Thursday 22nd Apr –
Referred to Climate Activists as ‘Bunny Huggers’! Quite why I don’t know, no one but Greta reacted and who pays attention to her.
Friday 23rd Apr –
Saint Georges Day. Huzzah! Lovely sunny day. Celebrated with a refreshing couple of tankards of Buckfast and did a TV interview in a field of sheep; It’s almost like the £2,600,000 I spent on that state of the art briefing room in Downing Street was un-necessary. Thank god I didn’t WhatsApp about that like with the Dyson brouhaha, we will probably just use it for entertaining donors.?
Saturday 24th Apr –
“Donnez Moi Une Break” it’s attacks all round, mainly from chaps called Domenic. First off last night Cummings was the Turd that Wormed, bitching about his supposed integrity versus the Downing Street massive.. Then today Gutless Grieve called me a ‘Vacuum of Integrity’, actually that’s funny with the Dyson thing. Anyway if I don’t care, I fail to see if anyone else will…
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