This week I celebrated my 95th Birthday from my eternal torment on the wrong side of River Styx. All of my Hell bound peers were there Ron Reagan, Gus Pinochet, Sticky Saville, Nicky Ceaucescu even Joe Stalin showed up although Adolf couldn’t make it (Eva doesn’t like me). It all started off really well, Harvey’s Bristol Cream and Cucumber sandwiches. I was about to blow out the candles on my cake when Joe S. suggested we all get naked and have a celebration orgy / Bunga Bunga session with me as ‘Target Practice’. Well just then my personality vacuum of a husband Dennis showed up with some tooled up demons and the party was well and truly pooped. Dennis gave a lecture on making £millions in the oil industry and tax evasion, while I ended up impaled on burning hot pokers over a large coal fire. Not the ‘Spit-Roasting’ I’d had in mind!
Now, with that image seared into your minds, on with your letters……
Dear Evil one
I am sick and tired of all those black people on television. They are all over the place. Can you stop them?
Yours in anticipation, Philip Battenberg
Well Phil, We are all working our socks off in the Hellish hereafter to bring about a glorious mass extinction. I’m sure Covid will polish off millions of the more impoverished nations of Africa. And darling Donny Trump will buy up the rights to any vaccines ensuring the Orange hewed freak and his master race of banjo banging swamp sodomites and KKK rifle brigades all prevail in order to progenate with their ‘own kind’ of narrow, easily sunburnt, gene pools. Of course all this Eugenics stuff is very time consuming and it’s surely not that long until you join me in the Abode Of The Dead. I mean you are surely now existing solely on hate, spite and bile, you will fit right in.
I have been taking elocution lessons to sound like my political hero. Do you think it is working?
Yours Rishi Blair Sunak
In all honesty young Mr Sunak you sound ridiculous. It’s kind of a cross between Cliff Richard and John Inman’s voice coming out of Oliver Twist. Drop it, it’s an affectation. Now as Chancellor you need to realize that no-one knows what the hell Fiscal policy is and what Excel Spreadsheets are, so basically anything you say is just white noise. When you are eventually allowed to present a Budget just wave your little red box in the air and recite your Waitrose Online order. No one cares.
I am not religious but need to confess to you some of my sins. I helped kill the NHS by bringing in private finance. I then helped kill thousands of Iraqi’s by voting for war. I ignored thousands of scouse people until they booed me and made me cry. I lived up to my surname by cutting fire services. Can I redeem myself by standing up to Boris Johnson? PS. Will this help my career?
Andy Burnham from Manchester
Mr Burnham I’m sure your principled stance will get you plenty of publicity, probably for the first time since you lost heavily to that unbridled Trot Corbyn. Just get your accent right for the audience, if you can’t fake a Mancunian lilt at least make sure you don’t veer off into mock Scouse like you used to when you were MP for Leigh, which admittedly is confusingly half way between Liverpool and Manchester….As for standing up to Boris everyone’s doing that and frankly he doesn’t give a toss, he’s bored already and wants to get back to writing bigoted shite in the Telegraph, it pays better.
I have not long been in a new job but already some of the hired staff are being rebellious. A few of them have even had the cheek to tell me it’s wrong to let our wonderful security services kill people or even rape little children. How can I keep these commies in line? PS. I love you.
Yours, Sir Keir Starmer QC BS and BAR.
Dearest Blair Junior, so what if a few rancid Marxist cranks are sticking to their so called principles. F*** em. You can now replace your frontbench with ‘New’ candidates like Wes F***ING Streeting to match your ‘New Leadership’ for your ‘New’ Labour voters. Just look at the opinion polls it’s all going marvellously and so wonderfully ‘NEW’!!!!!
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