Just the one! By Ian Quaife

YOUR LATEST CORANAVIRUS NEWS: IT’S NOW TIME TO CHILL AT THE PUB!!

It’s July 4th. First post-lockdown pub visit!! Brilliant! With my face mask in place, a quick hand sanitiser squirt before I leave the house and then a fresh squirt as I enter the bar after queuing up outside the pub for 35 minutes. It’s raining so a bit wet but worth it. Trust me! Oh and prior to entering, we all enjoyed the full temperature check and mouth swab by the big pub security bloke. ‘ Sign the pub all clear customer register. Just there. Come on ‘urry up! ‘ Bit of banter! All clear! ‘No standing please! I said no fucking standing. Now move on, next! ‘

And on to the long orderly queue, behind the protective plastic screen, one metre apart and after 35 minutes get served ( I always stand the first round mind). Pay with my card and then hand sanitise. No standing please!! So sit at a table, bar staff come around and do a quick squirt of the table and wipe, then we all remove our masks and knock back the first pint and then my mate Rob goes back to the socially distanced queue, behind the screen, mask in place, squirt, pay, squirt, back to the table, 20 mins this time.

Shit, a small spillage of my pint so another deep clean in and around the table, by the friendly staff wearing full PPE and face visors. You can’t too careful. Third pint, queue, squirt, deep clean …20 mins again, we’re having a fucking right laugh. Join the queue to the gents. 15 mins. Bursting. Big squirt followed by a full santised squirt.

Back to the table remove mask. Drink up. One for the road lads? Replace mask, queue behind plastic screen, 25 mins, squirt, pay squirt, remove mask, drink leave, squirt on the way out. Bants with security guy. Nutter! Elbow goodbye to mates…Go home.

Wow that was great! Relaxing!! Enjoyable!

Brexit next…