FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF TEARS, ACROSS INFINITE OCEANS OF TIME, AUNTIE MAGGIE ANSWERS THE CALL OF THE TORMENTED.

MAGGIE- This week readers, His Satanic Majesty sent me up to the other place, that’s right Heaven/Paradise/Nirvana in order to help purge my sole. Well it wasn’t quite what I expected, no Pearly Gates, no Saint Peter, no God, in fact no hierarchy at all. Although I did see a man with white hair and a big beard preaching to a small group but that turned out to be Karl Marx. I did recognise one attendee, Tony Benn sitting at the back. ‘Sir Anthony Wedgwood-Benn, Viscount Stangate’ I said by way of introduction in order to provoke him. He calmly tapped out his pipe and reminded me he changed the law in 1963 in order to resign the peerage, remain a commoner and thus stay an MP. He also reminded me that I had granted my own husband Dennis an Hereditary Baronetcy in 1990, the only one granted since 1964, which my wayward son Mark now holds despite being a convicted criminal. He ended the conversation with the quote ‘It ain’t where you’re from, it’s where your head is at!’ then began to disappear in a holy white cloud of Gold Block Original Flake smoke. Strange man.
The rest of Heaven was pretty much like a normal housing estate, except there was no dog mess or wheelie bins. Every house was pretty much the same size. The citizens were all contributing according to their abilities and everyone was provided for in their every need. Sodding nauseating! I was glad to be cast back down to hell where greed is good, we all compete to gain Lord Lucifer’s favour and trickle down misery upon each other to encourage competition and generate profit. It worked for me in the eighties, it works for Boris now.
So back to your letters and Earthbound dilemmas….

Dear, very dead Maggie
My parents came to this country as refugees so when I heard of all the poor unfortunates drowning in the channel I naturally put on my best slap and priti red dress to go and meet them. My question is, would it be alright to get the navy to sink them?
Ms Patel
MAGGIE- The whole refugee situation is the perfect distraction from the failings of a Tory Government. When in doubt blame a foreigner and revert to nationalist rhetoric, it works every time. These days the ‘mainstream’ media will even do it for you as we are in the pocket of the same Oligarchs. As for using the Navy to ram home your Nationalism, sinking the Belgrano got me 2 more elections, so knock yourself out, the people who vote for you have no real empathy anyway.

Dear Margaret
I worked so hard all year to pass my exams and cause the school I go to is in a tin shed, in a carpark in Glasgow I have been marked down from an a plus to a z minus. Is this fair?
Yours, James Krankie.
Well young Wee Jimmy what you have to realize is it’s not what you know, it’s where you learnt it. Now you have to realize quite how hierarchical society works in England. Firstly the Elites pay a lot of money to go to ‘Independent’ schools. For the ‘best’ 8 of these schools the pupils don’t even sit ‘A’ levels they get a bye into Oxford or Cambridge, especially if their fathers are Alumni or donors. Next come all the upper middle classes and Nouveau Riche who get into Oxbridge if they are smart or Russell Group Universities if they’re a bit dim. Next come the lower middle classes who go to Grammar Schools and Russell Group Uni’s if they get all A’s or former Polytechnics and Tech College’s inexplicably renamed as Universities by Blair in the 90’s. Working class kids don’t go to University as the prospect of £40,000 of debt gives them the shits, unless they are geniuses, get A+++ grades and are still then looked down upon by all of the above.
That’s how it works in England, however seeing as you are Scottish your options are Professional Football or Alcoholism.

Oi, bitch
Weren’t you the women who pinched me milk at school then made all my family redundant, then put up the mass murdering General Pinochet?
Arthur, from Barnsley
MAGGIE-Well Arthur there’s no need to be impolite is there, how rude. What you have missed is the historical context of my actions all those years ago. I’m proud to be ‘Milk Snatcher Thatcher’ bringing back the traditional working class traditions of rickets and claiming t’social. The legacy continues today with millions of kids turning up to school hungry, while mum goes to the food bank, surviving on charity and electing Tories because of Brexit. Modern peasantry just like the good old days of the 1860’s.
As for Pinochet, I always aspired to rounding up and ‘disappearing’ all the leftists, but all I had to do was wait for Tony Blair to do it for me.

Dear Margaret
Any chance you can tell your friend down there to turn the thermostat down?
Alan from Manchester
MAGGIE- You bloody northerners are never bloody happy are you. We Capitalists are exploiting the earth’s resources in order to trickle down profits to you types. The resulting climate improvement and rising sea level will turn Manchester into the Southend of the north, maybe even the Canvey Island of the north. Isn’t that likely to increase the value of your repellent slum dwelling. You Mancunians are all mullet haircuts and walking with orangutan-like swagger anyway. Sod the lot of you.