Peter Mandelson’s Astrological Spin Doctoring at its finest. Your stars apparently explained

Aries (Mar20 -Apr 20)

Uranus, your favourite Planet is currently Rimming Saturn’s Rings and as such you should expect a deep meaningful self-examination. Reflect kindly on these Yacht trips with Jeffery and Ghislaine and the Beautiful Boys  . Lucky condiment – Gentleman’s Relish

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Where have you been all these years? All those meaningless sexual encounters and yet you are still single? You seem to have forgotten that beautiful boy with green Eyes, who wore you for 3 minutes in 1989.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A time of reflection Gemini, start a Group for Vegans. Aggressively assert your beliefs on the rest of humanity. Be deeply unpleasant. Don’t even try to engage or reason just state that all of Mankind is wrong. Lucky Car Nissan Micra

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It may seem as if you have been lacking self-belief of late but that will change in a matter of days, so be patient and keep making plans. Sleep with someone, anyone. Lucky Garden Item – Pampas Grass.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

At all costs avoid Aries, Taurus, Gemini and Cancer, those Bastards are Mental

Virgo (August 23 – September22)

Something will happen today. Lucky Tea – Yorkshire, avoid Cockneys

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s never too late to change your mind. It is, however, bloody infuriating. Stop dithering. Lucky word ‘Onomatopoeia’ Again, Its on you this is!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If at first you don’t succeed blame the next poor Bastard. Failing that resort to Machiavellian tactics until you invariably win. Lucky Poison – Strychnine..

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If you have been challenged at work recently now’s the time to kick back and have a bit of a doss. What’s the worst that could happen. Avoid Supervision.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

‘I could while the hours, conferring with the Flowers and consulting with the Rain’. That’s you that is! And yes I’m a ‘Friend of Dorothy!’ Lucky State -Kansas

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Get a haircut and some Antiperspirant Deodorant. Avoid Ian Gillan, Welsh People and Capitalism.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Whatever you choose to do next will be a colossal success. Your internal voice is telling you to ‘Sod Them All’! They are all Worthless Proles…