MAD MAGGIE MOUTHS OFF FROM THE GRAVE
Well here we are again, enduring the relentless, unending torment of Purgatory. This week I have literally been consigned to the Pit of Hell, somewhere near Doncaster. My Demon tormentors were in the form of Sir Ian MacGregor and that haunted Tobyjug Arthur Scargill. Sir Ian set me to work chiselling coal into a hopper, then water started flooding into the Mine through the hole I had made. Scargill stood there shouting “Th’ watters all owert chuffin place, bung thowl or thee’ll drahhn. Save tha sen.” Well I never understood what the horrible little Prole said and Sir Ian was performing a ‘Time and Motion’ study so I hacked the coal out faster and the water kept coming even more quickly. After what felt like an eternity I was roughly dragged out by the hair by the little upstart Scargill and left on a slag heap. I was immediately surrounded by Riot Police from Surrey and Essex, who beat me with Batons while waving their overtime-heavy paypackets at me.
Well I don’t have a clue what that is all about so let’s get down to this week’s letters so I can exercise my legendary empathy……
Please can you help me? I am in charge of a small organisation and am the only one who really knows what I am doing in it. A while back we had a perfectly democratic vote to keep me in charge forever which is a really good thing. Now some of the guys in our Eastern region are calling me really horrid names like dic and tator. I wanted to have another referendum to bring back impaling; do you think now is the right time?
Dearest Vlad democracy these days is more of a blanket term, especially where referenda are concerned. Just look at the interference you can fund, it’s a growing market and in some of the ‘free’ world’s elections in recent times, the hoi polloi haven’t had a clue what they are voting for. If I were you I would buy up a media company promoting you as an anti—establishment populist and start a ‘Pro-Impaling’ political party the moronic b*ds will lap it up. It’s the modern way.
Dear agony aunt
I am very old and not in good health but when I heard that the NHS was running out of money I walked up and down, up and down…you get the idea. I managed to raise shed loads of money for the NHS. Now another pensioner has told me, when I visited her castle, that the NHS isn’t actually a charity. Have we all been conned?
Now Tom, or should I say Sir Tom you are being overly modest and I, like so many people, was wondering what you and Lizzy Madge were talking about on the publicly funded lawns of Windsor Castle. You see, like the Royal Family, the NHS is actually paid for by everyone, rich or poor and the money allocated by our marvelous Tory Government. So your altruistic act just means Rishi Sunak can divert funds elsewhere for weapons or Prince Andrews legal team for example. That’s right. Screw you Captain Tom, you gun-toting, paedo protector. Screw you.
I have just got married but for some reason my dad did not want to be in any of our wedding pictures. I was very upset by this and am starting to think he is hiding something from me. Every time I ask him about it he breaks out in to a cold sweat
Beatrice from Windsor
Well Beatrice I’m sure you will look back at your wedding pictures and forget all about the embarrassment your father may have felt. Imagine it, it might have been unseemly to have pictures of the young bridesmaids licking your father’s face as he grins inanely out of the photo. Those sort of images would break a normal family.
As a strong women can you please help me? My brother seems to be in charge of everything in the place. The problem is he is a fat, lazy, layabout who sits there eating chocolate all day. This really is as sexist as it gets. I don’t even get to decide who I can execute. Should I just take over from him whether he likes it or not?
Family politics is the trickiest kind. When we were Prime Minister of the UK we wanted our son Mark to follow one into the role, when we simply couldn’t be arsed anymore. But that traitor John Major knifed one in the back and took power for himself. Mark has done amazingly well though, making tens of millions dealing in arms to anyone who asks. He did have one hiccup when he got a 4 year prison sentence for organising a coup in Equatorial Guinea, but who hasn’t done something like that. He’s now the second Baronet Thatcher in the House of Lords, which he inherited from my husband Dennis, who one knighted. I also have a daughter Carol.
Back to your problem, I would wait until the chubber either chokes on his food or ‘dies in his sleep’ next time he visits the state dentist.
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