Agony aunt column 1st June 2020
Auntie Maggie answers your problems from beyond the grave
I went on a long journey recently and took my wife and four year old child with me. Being a conscientious parent, and as I had the virus, I did not want to stop the car for food or toilet breaks that might have resulted in other people being infected. So, after 400 miles both my wife and child wet themselves…twice. It smelt so much I then had to go and make another journey without them. Am I a bad husband and father?
Dom, from Durham, London and Barnard castle.
Well Dom, what we have here is a case of trading off personal morality versus the rules. First rule of public life is do what you think you will get away with, it sounds like you managed to do that initially, although your car not needing petrol for hundreds of miles is a bit of a give away. Second rule is, if you get caught, deny it all, Joey Goebbels advice as always been “Make the lie big, keep it simple, keep saying it, eventually they will believe it.” Next rule is use the ‘Old Boy’ network get an Old Etonian school chum to vouch for you, if they won’t then blackmail them. If all else fails then, pluck the old heart strings, position yourself as a Martyr to misfortune and a noble Crusader for civil freedoms.
As for personal morality, Haha don’t make me laugh…
Hiya, Mags, old girl
I have been stuck at home for weeks now with my dysfunctional family. It is really playing havoc with my mental health. I can’t even pop out for a pizza anymore. Do you know of a number where I can order some entertainment in?
Andrew, from Windsor.
Andy, you are in luck as Tramps nightclub have teamed up with Pizza Express and they deliver a Quattro Formaggio with one or more ‘Hostesses’, they even bring all the ‘specialist’ stuff. It was all the idea of Max Mosely. Don’t worry about Covid-19 all the young ladies wear heavy grade PVC P.P.E. Have a swinging time!
Before the virus happened I was winning at a game that I was playing with my friends. Then when Covid 19 started they told me I had to stop playing. I think the virus is a conspiracy from some people in Manchester to stop me coming top. They got together with Bill Gates, the Chelsea pensioners and toffee makers to deny us being the master team. Should I invade Poland?
Jurgen, from Liverpool
Jurgen Mein Liebling, thank you so much for getting in touch. As you quite rightly say, they ARE all out to get you. But the important thing is not to think of it as invading Poland, so much as liberating the Polish from the tyranny of Socialism. As for football, concentrate on the mountain of cash you have and enjoy the extra 90 minutes of leisure time a week.
For many years I have enjoyed dressing up in a mini skirt and blonde wig and cruising around for sex in public toilets. This gives me great joy and relief and is none of anyone else’s business. My question is, should I finally come out as a Tory?
All my love, Miranda
Dear Miranda, my attitude is ‘Boys will be Boys’ and anything goes. As for you being a Tory, take your pick Conservative or Labour party, both are desperate for members these days.