Dear Aunt Maggie, My neighbour, who I thought was also my friend, keeps trying to be silly. I am staying in to be safe from the virus but he cannot make up his mind whether it is in out or shake it all about. He then keeps trying to come into my house. I am very worried as to whether he is actually sane. I don’t want to get the virus so shall I tell him I don’t like him anymore? The other day he asked me to be a Lert and I don’t even know what a lert is…
Nicola from Scotland
So, Nicola this is a very common issue and I’ve had similar letters (shout out to Mark in Cardiff and Arlene in Belfast) voicing similar concerns. This neighbour sounds very erratic and dangerous, as my husband, the Sainted Dennis used to say, a ‘Random King Cnut’! You could try reasoning with him, not through the letterbox, but maybe by Skype or Zoom, either way maintain social distancing. You must make the point that although you are on the same street, your house is devolved and you make up your own rules. If he persists, tell him to get lost with one of your hilarious regional catchphrases such as ‘Fandabidozy’ or ‘Away and Shite ya Barnpot’. That should do it.
Dear Aunt Maggie, A few years ago I stepped down as head of the Mickey Mouse club. It is now being run by a man who is very bad indeed. In fact he is the greatest, most perfect bad the world has ever seen. Should I try and get my position back?
Barack from Disney land
As I understand it, it takes millions and millions of dollars to run for Head of the MMC, are you sure you could afford it? Another thing to consider is backing your wife to become Chief Minnie Mouse instead. I understand Hilary came close, despite being awful and her pervo husband Bill letching at all the female teenagers. I mean who would vote for someone like that!
Hello, please can you help me. I am a fairly young, upwardly mobile lawyer. Last week I was named on a list of the 50 most influential people in my field. The trouble is that I only came in at number 14. Is there anything I can do to get to number one?
A knight of the realm from London
Well as a Knight of The Realm you must have really excelled in your field with some high profile cases, leading you to be recognised by the British Establishment. As we are all aware your clients are innocent until proven guilty, and through your deception and devious manipulation you managed to get some right rotters off scot free. Just what the institution of Parliament needs. Being number 14 is a great start and I feel you are on the right career path to climb the greasy pole. Maybe start by squashing any dissenters and anti-establishment figures in your organisation adopting a mudslinging and ‘no smoke without fire’ attitude and good old ‘Chutzpah’!
Some time ago I started a business that made software for computers. It did not go very well at first but then I thought of a good idea. I wrote a program called a virus that made computers very ill and unable to work properly. Once that had happened I sold anti-virus software to cure it. It may have been unethical but, hey, nobody died. Do you think it’s time to repeat this idea in the real world?
Bill in Seattle
Dearest Bill, I think you may have missed the boat, but none the less what you must learn is how to avoid the blame. Computer viruses can’t be traced and if you have the antivirus software ready you can be the hero not the villain. And here is the main point, apportion blame for the outbreak to a competitor, preferably a foreigner or mobile phone company. Get your politician friends to keep up the pretence that the dirty foreigners started it all. Then turn up heroically with the licensed cure and make a ‘killing’. It’s Capitalism at its purest. Marvelous, how a
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